The first year after a loved one has passed is hard – you will often hear it called the ‘the year of firsts’ – the first birthday or Christmas without them, the first anniversary, the first time you realise they are not coming back - all of these markers and so much more, can be can be incredibly painful, with your emotions feeling raw and disorienting. Yes indeed, the first year can be very hard, yet rarely do we talk about how the second year can be even harder. And this often comes as a shock to my clients.
So why does the second year feel harder?
In the first year, your system is often in survival mode. You’re functioning, coping, doing what needs to be done. By year two, the numbness has lessened and the shock has faded. And so the permanence of your loss settles in a deeper, more embodied way. I hear clients state: “It’s really real now”, “I thought I’d feel better by now, but I don’t”, “I didn’t expect this wave to hit me yet again”. The reality of your loss can really hit home at this point.
Additionally, your external support often falls away. Those who were checking in on you in your first year of loss and grief, often assume that you are doing okay by year two, few realising that actually you need their support even more. This can be challenging and you may feel very alone, invisible almost, and certainly that you ‘should be further along’ in your grief.
In year two, you may have more capacity to feel. In year one your nervous system moves into a ‘protective mode’, narrowing your emotional bandwidth. By year two, your system releases that protective mode a little allowing deeper layers of grief, love, regret, longing, or unfinished conversations, for example, rise to the surface.
There will be aspects of your identity that you no longer easily align with. You may ask questions such as, Who am I without them?, What does my life look like now?, What do I want? What don’t I want? And these can be quite confronting as you try your best to adjust to life without your loved one.
In year one, you were likely to be focussing on just getting by each day. In year two, your focus may shift to looking further ahead and that’s when the absence of your loved one can become even more pronounced. You start to realise that they won’t be with you for certain milestones in your life; the plans you won’t share; the life you’re now living without them. Understandably, this can bring forward a fresh (and often huge) wave of grief.
What is important here is that you are not grieving incorrectly, badly or any such adjective – there is no right way to grieve – only your way.
How can you support yourself in the second year of grief?
Firstly acknowledge that this second year is its own chapter of your grief journey. It is a different stage in your grief and it requires a different kind of support. The tools and techniques may stay the same as in year one, however the questions you need to ask yourself or the reflections you have may alter slightly.
You may wish to confide in one or two close, safe, friends and explain to them the differences in your grief that you are experiencing and seek their support at specific times.
You may wish to journal with prompts such as those questions given above regarding your identity. Or these ones when the time feels right:
· What feels possible for me now?
· What do I need more of?
· What do I need less of?
Additionally you may wish to journal about the feelings you are experiencing, such as sadness, anger, longing, loneliness, gratitude.
Keeping connections alive can be very comforting and is very much in line with the grief theory of Continuing Bonds. As such you may wish to ‘speak’ to your loved one in your journal, telling them about your day, or how you’re feeling.
You may wish to incorporate specific rituals into your days, to anchor you. For example you might:
· light a candle on certain days
· visit a place that feels meaningful
· wear something that connects you to them
· create a small ritual of remembrance
One aspect you may need to revisit is your boundaries. Your energy is precious and can feel depleted at this time so it is very important to protect it as much as possible. Take a look at where you need to do this. For example, you may need new boundaries around:
· family expectations
· social commitments
· work demands
You will know how much of your energy is spent within these demands, so be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot undertake. And be honest with those who may be impacted by your boundaries. They will understand.
So If the second year of your grief feels harder, heavier, or more confusing than the first, please understand that you’re not alone in this. You’re not grieving incorrectly. And nothing about your grief is a sign of failure.
It is simply your heart doing its slow, sacred work, layer by layer, truth by truth, breath by breath.
And you deserve support, compassion, and gentleness every step of the way.
I hope that this blog has been useful to you and should you require any one to one support, please do reach out to me. See below for the ways you can work with me.
In particular, If the above blog has resonated with you, my Life after Loss Programme may be of great benefit.
In all love,
Lindsey xx