What a busy month May has turned out to be, for me at least! I hope you have had a good and positive month.
May’s Blog is all about Anticipatory Grief. Have you heard of this? Do you know what it is? Well, it seems that many people have never heard of it, and I have to say that when I was experiencing it, I had no idea that it was a ‘thing’! Had I known, I would have definitely sought support for it.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
It is the grief that you experience when anticipating the loss of someone or something. It could be that one of a loved one has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Or it could be that you are being made redundant, or you are coming up for retirement or you are ceasing your business. It could be that you are losing your loved one to dementia. It could be the loss of many different things.
The difference with this type of grief is that you are anticipating it. So there are many emotions and questions that you will be asking yourself. Such as why questions… “Why is it my loved one has got x illness?” “Why do I have to be made redundant?” “Why can’t I make my business work?” Why questions can be deeply troubling for us – sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. And for some it can shake your beliefs and faith.
The worst part is you will be experiencing all of the symptoms of grief whilst you are still in your job or your loved one is still alive. And this can be excruciatingly painful for you.
People may say to you, “just make the most of the time you have with your loved one” and others may be questioning why you are feeling so emotional when your loved one hasn’t even passed yet! And it is hard for you to explain your feelings. So I want you to know that anticipatory grief is real, and that you are not going mad, that your feelings are valid and that you can work through this extremely challenging time with the right support.
Some of you may have seen my social media posts around this subject and therefore know that my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 22 months before she passed. The first 6 months after she shared this devastating news with me were the worst months that I have ever experienced.
My mum and I were extremely close and spoke at least once a day – she was my confidante, my best friend and greatest supporter. So the thought of her not being physically in my life any more was dreadful for me. I cried, I was angry, I was in physical and emotional pain – I suffered many grief symptoms.
When I spoke to my mum and saw her (she didn’t live close to me), I had to put on a very brave face and try to speak with her as normal, not wanting to speak of the reality of her situation. However, we and my brothers and extended family had to come to terms of losing a wonderful, kind and caring human being from our lives.
And we did it, we rallied around each other – we talked and listened to each other, and with my mum, and eventually were able to have open and honest and frank conversations. We did make sure that we said everything we needed to say to each other to make sure that nothing was left unsaid. And it made us really understand how finite our human, physical lives are.
I also truly believe that having worked our way through this anticipatory grief, it made it easier to handle our grief when our loss actually occurred.
How can you deal with anticipatory grief?
Here are some practical ways to support yourself if and when you are anticipating either the loss of someone or something:
1.Acknowledge the emotions, feelings and thoughts that you are experiencing – they are valid, real and natural. By acknowledging them without judging yourself allows you to start to process them rather than suppressing them.
2.Speak openly about how you feel with a trusted friend, or your family or a grief coach. By verbalising your fears and feelings, you can take away the overwhelming pain that you may be experiencing.
3.If you are contemplating the loss of your job or career or business or such, celebrate all of your achievements and what these have given you. If you are anticipating the loss of a loved one then prioritise making memories with that person, rather than focussing on the loss that is to come. And find ways to honour your friendship or relationships in some way that you can both enjoy. For example, you may wish to create a memory book together of all the times that you have shared and reminisce with them about all of these wonderful moments.
4.Undertake self-compassion to support your wellbeing during this time. Include, grounding techniques, deep breathing and journaling to support yourself. Go for walks in nature to help you gain your perspective. I am including here a 1-minute meditation for you to do each morning.
And of course you can also use the St Nectan’s Glen meditation to support you!
5.Prepare for the loss that is to come. This can come in many different forms, for example, you may want to seek a support group for when the loss comes, or you may want to prepare by speaking with your loved one about how their routines may need to change due to the deterioration of their health, or you may want to plan their funeral arrangements with them.
It may be that you prepare for the loss of a job/career/business by exploring new opportunities or income streams. This aspect is about planning transitions. And you will not be able to plan for everything – as changes occur, you will need to allow shifts to happen naturally.
6.Seek support to help you before and after your loss. This will enable you to express your emotions and be guided by someone professional who will hold a safe, and confidential space especially for you. You will be able to share your inner thoughts and concerns without judgement, and provide you with tools to work through to support you to feel lighter and calmer and more at peace.
I do hope that this has given you some food for thought as well as some practical ideas to support yourself during times of anticipating a loss of any kind.
And of course should you, or someone you know, require my support with anticipatory grief, please do contact me to see how I can help you/them.
You can see my services and programmes here: https://www.hocokahwellbeing.com/services
And of course, you can also contact me at the following:
Tel: 07746 577339
Email: hello@hocokahwellbeing.com
All love,
Lindsey