March 2025 Blog - Grief Journeys

Welcome to March’s blog. Spring has sprung! Isn’t it so wonderful to see the daffodils and blossom out? I love the newness of this season!

I was recently asked, ‘what is the most common question that clients ask me within my work as a grief coach?

And this got me thinking, there isn’t just one common question, there are a number. The following two common questions are related to the loss of a loved one, although could be adapted to other losses:

1. “I’ve got all this love to give, and I don’t know what to do with it. What do I do with it?”

2. “How long will this grief last? When will I feel better?”

There are no easy answers to these questions, because we will all grieve in our unique way. However, here are my thoughts…

1.“I’ve got all this love to give, and I don’t know what to do with it. What do I do with it?”

I would say the love you have for the person you have lost, doesn’t leave you; you can, or will, continue to love that person. They may not be with you physically, however, they are still with you in spirit, in your heart, in all of your memories and in the way that they have positively influenced your life. The love you feel for them doesn’t just stop now that they have passed. It continues and will do so for the rest of your own life. That love may shift, it could get even stronger or may become lighter, however, you will always carry your love for that person.

One grief theory called Continuing Bonds Theory, (Klass, Silverman & Nickman, 1996), suggests that by continuing to maintain a ‘transformed’ relationship with a deceased loved one, enables the bereaved person to find comfort and meaning from within a continued connection. The benefits of maintaining your connection is that it can provide a sense of meaning and purpose within the bereaved person’s life, as well as supporting them to process their grief in a healthy way.

So how can you maintain this connection, you may ask?

Here are some of my own personal experiences to give you some food for thought:

· I think of those I have lost in my life often and fondly.

· I will speak to them in my head or out loud,

· I will raise a glass and say “cheers” to them on special or significant days, such as their birthdays, their passing, Christmas etc.

· I light a candle in their honour,

· I make their favourite meals,

· I spend time looking at photos,

· I wear a piece of their jewellery,

· I display the ornaments that I inherited from them,

· I send them my love into the spirit world,

· I reminisce about them with family members and friends.

There is SO much that you can do to continue your bond with your loved ones that have passed. This kind of practice was once deemed detrimental to your grief journey, however, now it is deemed a fabulous way in which to honour and cherish them.

So how are you continuing bonds with those loved ones who have passed?

One of my young clients has recently started journaling daily conversations with their dad, telling him about their day and about how they have recently passed some exams, their hopes for the coming months etc. My client finds that this fills the gaping hole of speaking to their dad in person when they come home each evening.

You may also want to place all of the love that you have, into other areas of your life. In the first instance you may wish to place it into some self-compassion to support you through your grief journey. And there are many ways to undertake self-compassion.

Ultimately you will find many places to focus your love.

2.“How long will this grief last? When will I feel better?”

These profound questions carry so much emotional weight, don’t they? The truth is, there is no definitive answer. Grief is not a process that can be neatly packaged or measured. It takes as long as it takes, and the journey is as unique as the person experiencing it.

You will undoubtedly go through a mix of emotions, thoughts and feelings and may well experience physical symptoms too. Unfortunately for most people, these go round and round – for example you may initially feel anger for your loss, and over time this may lessen, but then it may raise its ugly head a few months and even years down the line!

I still experience moments of grief for my beloved mum, even though she passed away 12 years ago. Just recently, I came across a photograph of her, taken shortly before her passing, and very unexpectedly I felt an overwhelming surge of anger. I was angry at the circumstances of her passing, and how bereft I felt. However, when I paused, I realised that my anger stemmed from a deeper place - my wishing she was still here, her friendship, and her love. This realisation allowed me to reconnect with her memory in a more gentle way, and through continuing bonds, I was able to feel more connected to her once more.

This experience highlights how grief can ebb and flow, and it is a big reminder that grief isn’t linear. It may quieten for a time, however, can re-emerge unexpectedly like a tidal wave. Some people find themselves navigating this emotional rollercoaster for years, whilst others may reach a sense of emotional acceptance much sooner. Neither way is “right”, it’s simply the way grief moves through each of us. It’s important to remember that we need to learn to coexist with, and manage our grief whilst allowing joy and love to re-enter our lives.

In terms of “feeling better”, again there is no ‘one size fits all’ kind of grief journey, it is a matter of taking each day as it comes and working gently through your grief as it raises its head. Shock and numbness will subside and then may be replaced with anger, regret or longing, for example.

Each day is a new chapter in your grief story, and the best way forward is to be gentle with yourself, allowing the emotions to arise as they need to. It is important to know that it is not about reaching an endpoint in your grief; it’s about finding ways to live alongside your loss with greater ease and grace over time.

One theory that can be helpful to understand what we experience when we are grieving is the Dual Process Model of Grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). This theory suggests that grief is not a single-track process. Instead, individuals oscillate between two states:

1. Loss-Oriented Coping: Directly confronting and processing the pain of the loss, including those feelings, thoughts and emotions
2. Restoration-Oriented Coping: Engaging with life again, rebuilding routines, and investing in activities and new friendships and relationships

These two modes are not rigid and you will find yourself moving between them, sometimes quickly, sometimes with longer intervals. This explains why you may feel like you've made progress in your grief, only to be swept back into the emotions by a memory or a trigger. It's completely normal, and recognising the oscillation between these two modes can help you to understand what is happening to you and therefore be more compassionate towards yourself.

Grief takes time and patience, your feelings, no matter how raw, complex, or unpredictable, are all valid. As you journey through your grief, remember that it’s okay to seek support, by reaching out to someone who can walk alongside you.

I do hope that this blog has been useful to you, particularly if you are currently grieving. And, if you know somebody who would benefit from reading the above, then please forward it to them.

For support with any of your loss and grief, I have a super menu of support that can help you as follows:

· Healing Hearts Service: for those who have been bereaved and are in the acute stages of grief, or if you are experiencing anticipatory grief or struggling to come to terms with your grief – however long ago your loss took place.

· Life after Loss Programme: reigniting your life having suffered a major loss in your life. Generally this programme is for those who have emotionally accepted their loss, however are struggling to find purpose and the confidence to move forward.

· A short programme of Life Coaching: which can be around loss and grief or any aspect of your life.

· Various healing therapies: Including Reiki & Seichem, Crystal Healing, Violet Flame Healings and Green Ray Reiki to transmute your loss, stress and anxiety.

· Integral Eye Movement Therapy (IEMT): Supporting you to alleviate negative thoughts, feelings and emotions that can lead to anxiety and depression; addressing loos and grief, trauma and identity issues.

For further details go to: www.hocokahwellbeing.com​

I am also more than happy to discuss how I can support you via telephone and email. Just get in touch.

T: 07746 577339

E: hello@hocokahwellbeing.com​