Unfortunately grief doesn’t stay at home when you have to return to work after a loss. You may hear employers saying “when you come to work, you leave your emotions at the door”, however that is pretty impossible when you’ve lost a loved one!
Compartmentalisation is a myth for many people when it comes to grief. Grief has such an enormous impact on you mentally, emotionally and physically and so to hold yourself together after the loss of a loved one can be nigh impossible.
Grief impacts your concentration, memory, energy, your nervous system, physical stamina and motivation to name a few. And so it is grossly unfair and unrealistic to expect you to be able to function normally or be as productive in the workplace, as you were before you had experienced your loss.
Grief is often invisible, which doesn’t help. There is often a mismatch between you ‘looking fine’ and the internal turmoil that you may be experiencing. You may be placing an external mask upon yourself that can be really effective in making everyone around you believe that you are okay, when the reality is quite different.
For example, you may be telling yourself, you have to stay productive, you must avoid crying, you mustn’t be a burden to your colleagues, you must return to work quickly. However, all of this pressure that you place upon yourself adds to your pain.
And your internal experience is that you may be exhausted, having constant headaches, suffering with brain fog, getting disturbed sleep each night, and the waves of emotions are hitting you constantly.
This is often the reality of grief in the workplace!
And then to add to all of the above (if that wasn’t enough!), when you return to work, your work colleagues go silent! Oh dear! This is of course about them not you, however, it will undoubtedly impact on you in a way that isn’t helpful.
So what is this all about? In a nutshell, your colleagues feel awkward, they don’t know what to say to you and worry about saying something clumsy. They fear overstepping, or triggering an emotion in you, and they don’t want to make things worse for you! And so they avoid you.
However, by avoiding you and staying silent they are making things worse for you! Their silence and seemingly uncaring or uncomfortable behaviour can be incredibly isolating for you. And you may start to think that you have to pretend that nothing has happened in your life and that it isn’t okay to show your natural emotions.
Cultural workplace norms are often uncomfortable with tears, showing vulnerability and emotions, so this is why they avoid these types of situations.
What can you do about all of this? One place to begin is by turning inward and asking yourself what you actually need right now. Not what you think you should need. Not what you believe your workplace expects, but what would genuinely support you.
A simple way to do this is to write a short note to yourself:
“Here’s what I need at work right now…”
You don’t have to share it with anyone unless you want to. This is about you gaining real clarity, it is not about your performance. It’s about giving yourself permission to name your actual needs.
For example, do you need rest, quieter mornings, fewer meetings, a compassionate check-in with your manager, or simply the space to not be okay, to work more from home rather than in the office (if this is an option available).
When you can see your needs clearly, you’re better able to communicate with your workplace what feels right for you, honour your boundaries, and to alleviate some of the pressure you’ve been carrying.
I do hope this has been useful. If you need support as you navigate your grief, you might find comfort in my meditations, the crystal armour in my shop, or my grief programmes all created to support you through your grief journey – please see the links below.
In all love,
Lindsey xx