When you’re in the acute stages of grief everything can feel hard - not just the big stuff, but in particular the small stuff - the what to eat, or wear today-type stuff. And whilst I focus on bereavement in my work, you can relate this aspect of grief to any kind of profound loss - careers, relationships - all major life changes.
If you’ve been wondering why everything feels harder than it ‘should’ (and I use that word lightly because grief doesn’t have any rules!), you are not doing anything wrong. It is purely that your system is feeling overloaded and overwhelmed. Your brain is working so hard beneath the surface regarding your grief, that there’s little left for the everyday decisions. And it’s not that you are incapable, it is that you are carrying so much more than can be seen.
What is Decision Fatigue?
Essentially decision fatigue is when the brain becomes exhausted by the need to make so many choices. In grief this is particularly common because as the brain is working so hard tending to your grief - processing it, trying to navigate uncertainty, managing your emotions, holding your memories to name a few - there’s simply less capacity left to make the small everyday decisions that normally feel easy.
In addition to this, your whole nervous system is also overwhelmed. Grief can rock your very foundations, making the smallest of decisions feel unsafe, with you placing undue pressure upon yourself and the decisions to be made. For example, you open your wardrobe and suddenly feel completely overwhelmed by the simple act of choosing what to wear - it’s not a big decision, however, your system is really exhausted.
The Compassion Antidote
You will often hear people, myself included, telling you to ‘be kind to yourself’ -however in grief, this is not a throwaway phrase, it is part of what I call the ‘compassion antidote’. This looks like the following:
· Being gentle in the way that you speak to yourself - talking to yourself as you would a friend you love, who is hurting
· Allowing yourself to move slowly, to pause, to rest
· Letting go of the expectation for you to ‘push through’ when you’re struggling, and allow yourself to do less without any guilt
· Saying “yes” to someone else helping you to hold a decision, a task or a moment when you cannot do this for yourself
Being self-compassionate can be difficult - you’ve probably never been taught how to be kind and caring to yourself. You are not alone in this. And when you are in the acute stages of grief, holding space for yourself can be doubly hard and I often hear people say, it’s yet another thing that they are “supposed” to do!
What you may not be aware of is that self-compassion can help to regulate your nervous system. It reduces the internal pressure you are feeling and this in turn reduces your overwhelmed feelings. It signals safety to your nervous system and helps your body feel more settled. It helps to create space so some clarity of mind
returns. It also helps to quieten your inner critic, which can drain your energy and contribute to your decision fatigue.
Practical Steps
So how do you support yourself when everything feels heavy and your capacity is low? These small practices of self-compassion can help you create a little more space inside your overwhelm.
Reduce your choices:
When your system is tired, fewer options feel safer. For example, you might:
· wear the same few outfits on rotation
· eat simple, familiar meals
· create a short list of “default” options for days when choosing feels impossible This isn’t about limiting yourself, it’s about offering your nervous system some relief
Speak to yourself gently:
When you notice your inner critic saying you “should” be coping better, try softening the tone. Something like:
· “It makes sense that this feels hard”
· “I’m doing the best I can with what I have today”
· “It’s okay to move slowly”
Allow someone to support you:
You don’t have to carry every choice alone. This could look like:
· asking someone to talk through your options with you
· letting a friend choose between two meals or two outfits
· saying “Can you help me think this through?” Shared decisions feel lighter
All of these practical steps show self-compassion in action. I do hope they support you and that you can adapt them to suit your specific needs and circumstances.
Decision fatigue in grief isn’t a weakness - it’s a reflection of how deeply you’re feeling and how hard your system is working to keep you going. When you meet yourself with compassion rather than criticism, you give your nervous system the space it needs to settle. And that is when you can start to make small decisions - one small step, one small decision, one small act of care at a time is enough.
I hope that this blog has been useful to you and should you require any one to one support, please do reach out to me. See below all the ways that you can work with me.
In all love,
Lindsey xx